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Shannon Ryan, a 31-year-old telecommunications process manager in Ottawa, recently ended a five-year common-law relationship. When her partner left, he was generous: She got the house, the dog, the Jeep, the furniture – and all associated debt too. During the five years they were together, Ryan paid almost all the joint household expenses herself, supporting her partner financially while he struggled to get a new business off the ground. She tuned out while her parents groused about their daughter paying all the bills, but she admits that the experience taught her something.
“I’m more of a hard-ass now,” she says. “Love doesn’t cut the mustard. If I met someone whose dream was to work in a bookstore, I’d say ‘Fine, but you still have to find a way to pay your share of the bills.’”
Were she to get involved in another common-law relationship, she would do things differently. “It’s important to know up front who is responsible for what, so your expectations are clear,” she now says. “It may seem cold but you have to talk about these things ahead of time.”
Laurie Campbell, a program manager with the non-profit Credit Counselling Service of Toronto, would agree. She strongly urges couples to talk about money before they move in together.
“Don’t just all into an arrangement without thinking about it, because it’s easy to form bad habits that become difficult to break later on,” she cautions.
Money, she says is one of the most common causes of fights between couples. “Men and women tend to think about money differently. They approach it differently, converse about is differently, “she says. “And the issue they fight about most it how to spend it, because that affects how you save it and how much you’ll be able to save.”
If you’re already in a common-law relationship, or just contemplating one, there are steps you can take to protect yourself financially, says Mastracci.
“It’s wise to have a written agreement,” he says. “The two people can disclose on paper what they have and agree ahead of time what would happen if they broke up.”
However he advises that the courts can still set such an agreement aside if there is a dispute.
He also recommends keeping separate bank accounts which make it easier, looking back, to see who made what money.
Ryan agrees wholeheartedly with that advice, and swears she will always have her own bank accounts and credit cards.
“I don’t want to be controlled,” she says. “I never want to have to ask someone if I can buy that $200 pair of shoes.
Money Tips for Couples, a publication of the Credit Counselling Service of Toronto, offers these suggestions to help couples talk about money amicably.
Talking about money:
- Avoid blame and try not to be rigid in your attitudes or expectations.
- Inform each other regularly about individual assets and debts.
- Avoid surprises, which can be misinterpreted and cause problems.
- Make sure both partners have individual credit cards in their own names.
- Realize that refusing to take an interest in, or failing to develop some competency in financial matters can be just as destructive to a relationship as insisting on complete control of such matters.
- Understand that using money to control your spouse is likely to lead to retaliation, either financially or in some other aspect of your relationship.
- Seek professional help for out-of-control spending be either you or your spouse.
- Develop short and long range financial goals together, and check your progress regularly.
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